“I am not my anger”

Project Description:

All throughout most of my childhood I was bullied by my peers. I was at such a young age, not even in sixth grade yet, that I hadn’t been taught how to defend myself verbally from put downs. It didn’t seem necessary at that age to be worrying about such a thing. I continued to be bullied through the next few years, and because of my lack of proper verbal defense, I used my anger to retort violently to protect myself.

Over those many years I was called names, I was told I was ugly, and that I wasn’t good enough. I was called “anorexic” due to the way my bones wore my skin a size too small, though it couldn’t be helped. I was told countless times that I was annoying, that I was stupid, and that no one cared about me. That no one liked me. All of these terrible things I was told day in and day out made me distrust all human beings. I began doing to people what they had done to me. I became angry and spiteful, and called people names and made them feel bad so they could feel the way I had felt for so long. To this day, I still use my voice to speak harshly towards others in response to put downs and criticism. Not many people know my story, so they don’t see my anger as a necessary or appropriate action. I’m labeled a “bitch” by most due to my sensitivity and by the way I handle confrontations. Although bursting out in rage at the slightest negative opinion heard isn’t a healthy way to react, it is the one thing I’ve grown up with. It’s been the one thing that has always been able to successfully protect me from the things I’ve heard one too many times. I put judgment upon others, I speak down to people and treat them as lesser human beings, and I think irrationally and say things I either don’t mean or mean all too well. I try as hard as I can to be kind and considerate, but when provoked I become a completely different person, even to my closest friends and family. My anger doesn’t define me and I will never let it define me. Those who know me, know that my anger towards them is purely out of self-defense. That the only time I become truly enraged is when I am provoked.

I am not a “bitch,” I am just someone who has been through too much shit to respond positively towards anything negative. My anger was developed through fear and through pain, and when you cause me to be upset, or to be a “bitch,” it only means I’m emotionally hurt by something you’ve done to me. Think about the deeper meaning behind a person’s actions before labeling them.