“I am not my awareness”

Project Description:

“My whole life I’ve been comfortably trapped in my own little world. In this world my idealistic mentality protects me from the evils that exist in humanity and in life. Through my adolescent years this unawareness and pure oblivion was a gift and a blessing as I had known it, not realizing that my obliviousness was creating problems for myself and those around me.

I am not proud to admit oblivion is ingrained in my personality. I approach many social and emotional issues in my life with naivety and unawareness- not all, but many. My understanding nature that results from my outer shell of oblivion has been taken advantage of time and time again. I’ve been pushed around. I’ve been used. Individuals often forget there’s a person underneath that shell. I am educated, I am creative. I know who I am and I have my own values and ideas. No one can change that. No one can take that away from me. But people can and do take advantage of my void. And I must remind them there is a strong individual underneath the fog and the cloudiness. I, myself, must also remember the emotions of others are at stake within that naive haze.

I am the kind of person who will contort myself to avoid compromising the life of an ant with the soles of my shoes. Subsequently, I don’t have the capacity to intentionally hurt those that I love. As it turns out, being trapped in my own idealistic mind and being oblivious to many of the thoughts and feelings toward me by my peers and loved ones, infringed deeply on my capability to hurt others. For years I had been inflicting pain on individuals I cared about through false pretenses. For many of my friendships, there was a major disconnect between my intentions for the relationship, and how the other party perceived them. This led to fallouts of great friendships that I would never deliberately compromise. The worst part: I had no idea.

Fortunately all great friendships can and have healed. However, to simply admit that I have hurt people through my very nature is heartrending. This very thought makes me cringe with guilt, discomfort and sadness. To realize this same trait has been the root of much of my vulnerability is equally eye opening. Idealism, naivety and oblivion are not always negative things. In fact, my unawareness has brought considerable happiness to my life. Nevertheless, knowing the consequences of this characteristic of my personality has allowed me to move forward rather than to let it be left to fester and grow more painful. How people have treated me doesn’t define me. Who I have inadvertently hurt doesn’t define me. I am oblivious to many things. But, my obliviousness doesn’t define me. I am not my awareness.”