“I am not my expression”

Project Description:

Leader, charisma, energy, enthusiasm. These words tend to have a positive connotation. To me, they make me tired and anxious. I enjoy and thrive in the leading role, I have a happy and positive disposition, but I often worry that I am “too much”, “too happy”, or “too enthusiastic”. I also worry that, as a leader, I am not giving others a chance to speak their mind or share their thoughts. I worry that others will feel that I am controlling them.

I am very open and expressive and I often fear that the people I interact with are uncomfortable with how open I am. I sometimes think that since I always have so much to say, people will feel I don’t give them an opportunity to express themselves.

I have a hard time when things feel out of order. I like to keep things in order; it makes me feel safer, more comfortable. When things are out of my control, I try to not allow them to have an effect on me, but they tend to shake me regardless of my effort not to let them do so.

I am often worried about other people, my friends, my family, even strangers. I feel a level of responsibility to make sure that they are okay and that their life is “in order”. I struggle with striking the balance between helping them while still preserving myself.

I don’t believe that I come off as someone who worries. A lot of my inner anxiety is hard to control, so although I seem calm and “go-with-the-flow” on the outside, on my inside I am not as calm. This anxiety stems from my fear of hurting those around me because of how I express myself.

I have never been told I am “too much” for someone. I have never been told that I am “too happy” or “too enthusiastic”, in a serious way. A piece of advice I have been told is not to let the way people view you be a reflection of yourself. I think that sometimes we need to see ourselves in others eyes, because “you” are often your toughest critic.