“I am not my loneliness”

Project Description:

My insecurity cripples me.

I am most insecure about my self-image. I worry about what others think about my personality. I worry about what others think about what I look like including my physical features and what I choose to wear.

Am I attractive enough?

Oh God, I am so ugly right now. Don’t look at me.

Am I cool enough?

I just want to be noticed.

Will they like me?

Do I seem too needy?

Am I annoying?

Be my friend, please?

Then again, I’m nothing special. I’m just a waste of time.

They probably think I’m boring. I’m just wasting their time.

I’m just a waste of time and that’s all I’ll ever be.

Nobody will ever like me or even notice me.

I’ll be alone and lonely, forever.

As much as people say, “Love yourself for who you are” or “It doesn’t matter what people think of you,” I never believe it. It always mattered what people thought of me. Twenty-four seven, I think about how other people see me. I think about it so often, it can completely occupy my mind for the whole day. Unfortunately, when it does, it dictates my mood. I’ve been depressed for days on end just on some little things. Sadly, I am unable to do anything about it. It just cripples me. People have the ability to make me feel so weak. It’s incredible.

You see, I’ve developed a habit of letting others dictate my feelings, my happiness, my self-worth. I’ve learned to analyze every little thing. I notice every text message, every conversation at the dining hall, every “hi,” every wave, every nod. Am I a burden? Do I seem desperate? Moreover, I notice every time someone does not reply to my messages, every time someone does not choose to sit with me at the dinner table, every time someone walks right pass me, every time someone ignores me. It just takes one of these moments to completely distract me from everything else I need to do during the day. I end up thinking about it all day and all night. I lay on my bed and can’t sleep. I just end up feeling inadequate, unwanted, worthless.

What can I do? I can’t help myself. I can’t help what I feel. I can’t help that I am needy. I need attention. I need love. I try to keep composed and I put on a mask but nothing seems to work. Is it really me? Am I really the problem? Why does it just seem like I push everyone away? If it’s not me then why isn’t anything working? Must I really just be like this forever? I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m crippled.