“I am not my size”

Project Description:

What are people thinking when I take my shirt off? I really like to swim, but I don’t anymore because I don’t like to take my shirt off in public, or even in front of my own family for that matter. I feel like every time I go out, if I were to take my shirt off, people would look at me and think “put your shirt back on”, or “that’s gross.” Right now I’m working out, but until I at least get rid of the hang over fat, I will continue to have trouble taking my shirt off. When I work out though, I feel like the “fat guy” in the gym with all of the athletes. I sometimes still worry about whether or not they think, “Why is this guy even here?” Sometimes I can lose focus on the workout I’m doing if I notice that my shirt came up and my stomach is a little exposed. When I am in a position where I have to take my shit off in front of other people, like in a locker room for example, I always try to find the corner, or get behind everyone, so I can’t be seen. When I can’t do that I try to lay my shirt out so that when I take what I have off, I can get in the other one on as fast as I can. In addition to that, it even extends to when I stand up in front of people to give presentations, especially if I happen to be wearing a shirt that is a little tighter than some. I try to suck my stomach in, in the hopes that maybe I’ll be able to hide how fat I am.

Every time I look in the mirror I see a fat guy who needs to lose a lot of weight and put on a lot of muscle. I keep telling myself that if I want to enjoy life a heck of a lot more than I am now, I need to get a six pack, and build myself up. I want to go into the military, but right now I feel like no one will truly respect me if I’m fat, and because of this I have a hard time being confident about anything I do.

The hardest part of all this is that it also makes relationships hard. I know that they can tell if I’m fat whether I have a shirt on or not, but in my mind I feel like I can hide it more when I’m wearing clothes, because when I take that shirt off, my shield off, there are no tricks it’s all out there. There is nothing to hide me from a girl who I want to like me as much as I like her without her thinking “gross” when that shirt comes off. I am constantly afraid of the possibility that what I look like underneath the shirt could make a girl want to leave. So, instead of putting myself in that position I try to avoid relationships completely. It pretty much comes down to when I look in the mirror, and think, “if I don’t like the way I look, how could she.”