“i am not my uncertainty”

Project Description:

I’ve always been a people pleaser. I’m the girl with the happy and positive disposition that makes other people feel good. I hate making people upset, disappointed or angry so I expend a lot of energy trying to make people happy. Most of the time, I’m less concerned with what I want and more concerned with what others want. Even when it comes down to the smallest decisions, I am quick to ask for opinions from others before making a choice. This is not to say I’m not opinionated, but it seems like I seek validation for my experiences from other people.

I guess I don’t consider my feelings valid unless someone else feels the same way. I take on the expectations and wishes of family members as my “wants.” I “wanted” to be a doctor for most of my life because people in my family encouraged it and I knew it would make them happy. I “wanted” to never be in relationships because guys wanted me to be chill and casual. I “wanted” to lose my virginity after 21 years because all my friends were having sex and couldn’t stop talking about it.

The problem is, my uncertainty is so strong, that I don’t know where my wants and opinions begin and the wants and opinions of others end. With any decision I make, I question whether it was fully mine or if what someone else wanted influenced it. It mostly makes me insecure because I’m afraid people will see me as someone who is weak and un-opinionated; that they’ll think I can’t speak for myself or my desires. I hate that.

I care a lot about what other people think, which is kind of the root of this problem. I wish I could just do what I wanted and not care about what others thought. And I guess I wish I knew what I wanted